how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
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He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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