im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
