My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
