My nipple is on Facebook.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
