and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
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