Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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