I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
You took a bar mat shot.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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