Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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