he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize
