How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
