My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
