If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
