after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
