In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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