Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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