I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
