He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Let's get the cat blown out
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
