I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Randomize
