1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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