I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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