he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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