dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
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I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
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That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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