please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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