I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
