I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
