Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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