i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
