1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
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