She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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