i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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