i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
