Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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