Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
