my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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