U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
