so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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