i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Randomize
