I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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