Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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