HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
