If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
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He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
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I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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