If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
