Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He passed out mid-signature
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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