So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
