It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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