I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Randomize
