Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
