How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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