There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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