I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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