Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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