Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
