i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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