Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
