im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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