He disabled his match.com account in front of me
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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