he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
